How to Navigate Difficult Questions Children Ask During a Divorce or Separation 

1. Was the Divorce My Fault?

How to Respond

You should make it very clear that the divorce is absolutely not their fault. You might tell a child: “Mom and Dad love you very much and nothing you did caused this, and there is nothing you could have done to change our decision. We both love you very much and that will never change. While things might change a bit with our family dynamic, we love you very much. You can always discuss your feelings with us.”

Avoid discussing the details of your marital problems or disparaging the other parent. Speaking poorly of the other parent or assigning blame not only causes children more stress and heartache, but is highly frowned upon by the family court. Doing so could put you at risk of a contempt finding, or the court placing parenting limitations on you.

2. Where am I Going to Live?

How to Respond

It’s a good idea to share as much information as you have so children can prepare mentally for a shift. For example, if you know the schedule in the parenting plan will be a week on, week off rotation and the children are ordered to continue going to the same school, you might say, “The plan for now is you will spend one week with me, then one week at dad’s. We are still working out some of the details and will keep you informed as we know more. You will still go to the same school, and we will both be involved as much as possible. Our job is to make sure you’re safe, loved, and cared for in both homes.”

3. Will Things Ever Be Normal Again?

How to Respond

It’s important to validate a child’s feelings and acknowledge that life will be different, but reassure them that you will do everything in your power to make them feel loved and happy, and that not all change is bad. For example, you might say, “Some things will change, and I know that can feel overwhelming and difficult to hear. While our family and the way we operate may look different in the future, we will always be a family and there are a lot of happy moments ahead.”

Helping children look forward to new experiences while honoring their feelings about what has changed can foster optimism. A practical tip – ask your child what specifically they are concerned about changing. For example, if they are worried about no longer going on an annual trip to a fun place that used to occur each year as a family, it could be an opportunity for you to plan a new and exciting trip with them that then becomes a new traditional annual adventure for which they can be excited about and participate in planning.

4. Mom/Dad is a Liar and Doesn’t Care About Me – Do I have to Spend Time with Them?

How to Respond

A good response acknowledges your child’s emotions while remaining neutral about the other parent.

Example 1:
Child: “Dad never keeps his promises.”

Response:
“I can understand why you’re feeling disappointed. It hurts when something important doesn’t happen the way you expected. I’m glad you told me how you’re feeling. Have you tried to talk to him directly about how you feel?”

One practical tip – in a good co-parenting relationship, you could also think about informing the other parent in writing that the child has expressed some specific concerns about them, and it could be helpful to discuss one on one with the child. Avoid criticizing the other parent as they are less likely to be receptive to your concerns and/or dismiss what you have to say. Do not provide advice on how you would handle the situation, unless the other parent asks for your input.

Example 2:
Child: “Mom doesn’t care about me.”

Response:
“It sounds like you’re feeling really hurt right now. Tell me more about what made you feel that way.”

Example 3:
Child: “I don’t want to go to Dad’s house anymore.”

Response:
“I can see you’re upset. I’d like to understand what’s making you feel that way so we can talk about it together.”

Notice that none of these responses criticize the other parent or tell the child they are wrong. Instead, they invite the child to express their feelings while keeping the conversation focused on the child’s experience.

Practical Tips

• Validate feelings, not accusations. Saying, “I can see you’re hurt,” is very different from saying, “You’re right—your dad is selfish.”
• Ask open-ended questions. Encourage your child to explain what happened instead of assuming you know the whole story.
• Avoid interrogating your child. Don’t ask leading questions to try to gather evidence for your court case.
• Don’t ask your child to choose sides. Children should never feel responsible for deciding which parent is “right.”
• Keep adult issues between adults. Avoid discussing court proceedings, financial disputes, or other litigation matters with your child.
• Reassure your child that all feelings are okay. Let them know it’s normal to feel angry, confused, disappointed, or sad during a divorce.

Even if you believe your child’s complaints are justified, these responses can unintentionally place the child in the middle of the conflict and may become an issue in a custody case. Remember – your child doesn’t need you to judge the other parent—they need you to be a safe place to process their emotions. By listening without escalating the conflict, validating their feelings, and keeping them out of adult disputes, you can help your child feel heard while protecting them from the emotional burden of taking sides during the divorce.

Final Thoughts